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There is almost overwhelming euphoria here in Malaysia.

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as newly elected Prime Minister

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has given this impoverished nation the gift of hope,

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promises to raise the below-average minimum wage

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and end child labor once and for all.

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Already considered a living saint,

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He has become the greatest hope of this small country,

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for a prosperous future in the new millennium.

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Come closer, Jaco.

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This is disgusting. How could you let this happen?

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I worked my ass off, Giorgio.

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I've tried bribery, I've tried gifts. I even sent him some kid oxen.

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I mean, they love this crap in Malaysia, but it won't let up.

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Listen, 50% of my inventory

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is produced in sweatshops on the Malaysian border.

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Something has to be done.

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What happens if Malaysia is eliminated?

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My entire panty line is made in Vietnam.

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Within a year we will all go bankrupt.

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The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu.

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What? No, I don't have time for that.

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Maybe you'd rather go back

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to the production of new types of ties in Hackensack.

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But my new fall collection is almost due.

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And I hope you also want to experience your spring stay?

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The Malaysian Prime Minister visits New York in 14 days.

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Then do it.

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Fortnight? This is Fashion Week. That's impossible! I have a show!

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It's perfect. Invite him as your guest of honor.

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That's not enough time. Training an agent takes months.

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What about Fabio?

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Too smart. This is quick work. He must be extremely stupid.

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-You know the profile, Jacobim. -A beautiful, self-centered,

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Simpleton that can be manipulated and shaped like Jell-O.

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Or cookie dough.

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– Or Play-Doh. – Any type of dough.

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The point is, we need an empty vessel, a shallow, stupid, vacuous idiot.

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And when it's finished, we'll throw it away.

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But who?

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I mean, where in all the green goodness of God,

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Will I find someone with such muscle?

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Derek, I just have a few more questions, if that's okay.

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Cool.

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When did you know you wanted to be a model?

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I guess it was the first time I went through second grade.

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I caught my reflection in a spoon while eating my cereal.

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and I remember thinking, “Wow, you look incredibly good.

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- “Maybe this could be a career for you.” - To do something?

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-Be professionally handsome. -Correct.

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What do you think your trademark would be (if you had one)?

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Well, I guess the look I'm most known for is Blue Steel.

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What does that look like?

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That's impressive.

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And then there are Ferrari and Le Tigre.

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Le Tigre is much softer. It looks more like something from a catalog.

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– I sometimes use it for shoes. – Can I see that?

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Look, without Derek Zoolander,

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male modeling wouldn't be what it is today.

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He is a fashion icon.

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So do you spend a lot of time working on these looks?

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think about her?

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Secure. I've been working on Magnum for at least eight or nine years.

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“Magnum”? That's fascinating. Can I see that?

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Is that a joke? I shouldn't even talk about it.

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It's far from finished.

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It's almost like there's a light surrounding him. He radiates beauty.

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I think of Derek every time I design a collection.

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Derek, I don't know if you're familiar

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with the beliefs of some native tribes.

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It's about the idea that a photo could steal a part of your soul.

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What do you think about that?

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as someone who makes a living by being photographed?

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That Blue Steel look? Oh my God! The style and the hair.

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You know, it's almost like the new Afro for the white man, but it's beautiful.

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Well, I guess I have to answer your question with another question.

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How many “subscription digitals” do you see as a model?

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the biggest night in the fashion industry,

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the VH 1 Fashion Awards.

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There he is, three-time male model of the year,

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Derek Zoolander.

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He's like music.

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Proud owner of Blue Steel,

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the look that made him the legend he is today.

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He looks almost too good.

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Hey, Paco!

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For me, that would be the main reason why I wouldn't consider a relationship.

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And Derek Zoolander is defending his title against him tonight.

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Hansel.

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–Hansel, right here! –All right, all right.

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The rookie sensation who made his way

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into the eye sockets of the fashion world,

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and they clawed at each other's faces for more.

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Mugatu sucks! Support the Prime Minister!

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Stop slave labor!

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Down with Mugatu!

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That's not something you like to see at an event like this.

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Ugly protesters harass beautiful people.

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There is no denying that Jacobim Mugatu used cheap Malaysian workers

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to make his clothes and the clothes of much of the clothing industry.

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-Derek! Derek! -Hey, Steve, how are you?

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Tonight you're up for the Male Model of the Year award for the fourth year in a row.

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Come on. Are you nervous?

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Well, there are a few little butterflies in my basket,

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but I think I'm fine.

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We also heard that you are working on a new look. Can you tell us about it?

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Actually, I can't, Steve, because it's not perfect yet.

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But I can tell you it's called Magnum and...

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Shut up, baby, shut up!

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If I tell you anything else, this guy will kill me.

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That's right. How are you, Steven?

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-Maury Ballstein, Ball's Models. -A man who needs no introduction.

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Maury, you have mentored every major male model over the past 30 years.

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– What are Derek’s chances tonight? – Let me tell you something.

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Nobody is allowed to touch Derek. No one! I have to go in there.

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I'm swaying like a weirdo with all these lights.

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Derek! Derek! Are you worried about Hansel?

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Not as much as I worry about Gretel.

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Hey, include the line from Hansel and Gretel in your article.

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I want people to know how funny I can be.

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Oh, believe me, they will know. It hits newsstands tomorrow.

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Excuse me, Mr. Mugatu. Mr Mugatu, Matilda Jeffries.

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Time magazine.

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Any comment on Prime Minister Hassan's salary increases

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- for Malaysian textile workers? - No, he has no comment.

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Why don't you let him speak for himself?

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Isn't it true that you would like to see the Prime Minister out of power?

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so you can continue to exploit cheap Malaysian labor?

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Hey, Mugatu! Fuck you and your little dog too!

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Danger! She has an egg!

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Oh my God! Let me go!

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Yes!

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Yes.

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Wow.

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I can't tell you how much this means to me.

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to be the first recipient of this wonderful award.

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We have a serious problem, Maury.

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This thing in Malaysia is getting out of control.

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I understand you, Jaco.

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What that, the slashie, means,

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do you think I'm the best actor/model,

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and not the other way around.

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The wage increase he proposes could ruin us all.

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I'll have to take care of this soon. I have to answer to people.

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So, now to the essentials.

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Those aren't slashes, folks.

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These are the purebred animals.

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Here are the nominees for Male Model of the Year.

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Young, hot, cheeky.

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With more covers in his first year than any other rookie model before him

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and an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's just fashion."

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This Hansel is so popular right now.

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I hear a lot of words like “beauty” and “good looks”

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and “incredibly chiseled facial features.”

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To me it's like vanity, selfishness,

155
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that I try to stay away from.

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I'm into bungee. For me, it's just the way I live my life.

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I grab it and tear it. I live it with a lot of flair.

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I live on the edge of the abyss, where I need to be.

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I wasn't like any other kid who dreams of becoming an astronaut.

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I've always been more interested in what the bark of a tree is made of.

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Richard Gere is one of my real heroes. Sting.

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Sting would be another hero.

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The music he has created over the years

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I don't really hear it,

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but I respect the fact that he can do it.

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What I do is extremely important to me.

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Do I know which product I am selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No.

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But I'm here and I'll do my best.

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In the last decade

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Male modeling has been eclipsed by a man

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and five syllables,

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Derek Zoolander.

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For me, modeling isn't just about looking good,

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or having a lot of fun and looking really, really good.

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The calendar was great,

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because it gave people the opportunity to see a side of my versatility.

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The original Greek word for model means "misshapen lump of clay",

178
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and I try to think about that every time I step in front of the camera.

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Three-time Male Model of the Year.

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And the price goes up

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Hansel.

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Thanks, Lenny.

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Wow!

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Many people said winning this prize

185
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four years in a row would not be possible.

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Well, I think I've shown it...

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I think we've found our solution, Ballstein.

188
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No, not Derek.

189
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He's perfect and you know it. Now make it happen.

190
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It burns like a crack in my ass, but you're right.

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He is ready.

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Who am I?

193
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I don't know.

194
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I think I have a lot of things to think about.

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Hey, the results are in, amigo!

196
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What else is there to think about?

197
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Nice comeback!

198
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I can't stand Hansel!

199
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I know right?

200
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He arrives on a scooter like he's totally cool.

201
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– And the way Hansel combs his hair. – Or, rather, not combing.

202
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It's like, "'Ex-squeeze me,' but have you ever heard of styling gel?"

203
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:40,402
I'm sure Hansel has heard of styling gel. He is a male model.

204
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,654
Earth at Brint. That was a joke.

205
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Earth to Meekus. Sure, okay? I knew that.

206
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Earth at Brint. I'm not so sure you did that

207
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because you all thought, “Well, I’m sure he’s heard of styling gel.”

208
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As if you didn't know it was a joke.

209
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I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I just didn't understand it right away.

210
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-Earth to Brint... -Could you stop doing that, guys?

211
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Have you ever thought that maybe there is more to life?

212
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than really, really, really incredibly good looking?

213
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I mean, maybe we should

214
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to do something more meaningful in our lives.

215
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For example, helping people.

216
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Derek, what people?

217
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I don't know. People who need help.

218
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:28,534
Models help people. They make them feel good.

219
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They also show them how to dress cool and wear their hair in interesting ways.

220
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I think so.

221
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Do you know what could really help you solve these important problems?

222
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What?

223
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-Orange Mocha Frappuccino! -Orange Mocha Frappuccino!

224
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-Yes yes!

225
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Come on, man! Come on!

226
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"Derek Zoolander. A model idiot."

227
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-Hydrogen! -Huh?

228
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NO!

229
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Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me.

230
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And when I say brother, I don't mean a real brother,

231
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but I mean it the way black people use it,

232
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which I think is more meaningful.

233
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If this terrible tragedy can teach us anything, it is

234
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it's because a male model's life is a precious, valuable asset.

235
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Just because we have washboard stomachs and a gorgeous face,

236
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That doesn't mean we can't die in a bizarre gasoline-fueled accident.

237
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That's why, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take the opportunity today to

238
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to announce my...

239
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,254
Hansel. He's so hot right now. Hansel.

240
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I would like to take that...

241
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People!

242
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I would like to announce my retirement from the profession of male modeling.

243
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What?

244
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:45,480
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than looking really, really good.

245
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And I plan to find out what that is. Thanks.

246
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Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu!

247
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,113
Could you please give me a moment of your time, sir?

248
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Just a minute of your time, please, sir!

249
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,786
Derek? Derek, hey!

250
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,081
-What do you want? -Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu,

251
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,250
However, he is more difficult to reach than the president.

252
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:08,253
I thought you were going to tell me what a bad “eugoogolizer” I am.

253
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,504
A what?

254
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,924
A “Eugoogolizer”. Someone who speaks at funerals.

255
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,846
Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a “Eugoogoly” was?

256
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,058
How could you write such terrible things about me?

257
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,978
Listen, Derek, my editor wrote this headline, okay?

258
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,856
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it came across a bit harsh.

259
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:30,442
Yeah, well, luckily for you, not too many people I know

260
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,403
Read your little Time magazine or whatever it's called.

261
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:35,614
Look, maybe you could do me a favor.

262
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,992
I'm just trying to get some background information on Mugatu.

263
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,036
If you knew something,

264
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,997
They would know that Mugatu is the only designer who never hired me.

265
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:45,373
Come on. There must be... there.

266
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,584
I'm sorry, lady. No interest.

267
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,796
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a funeral party.

268
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,135
Go home? You're overreacting.

269
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,554
I want to do something meaningful with my life, Maury.

270
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,973
I have deeper thoughts in my head.

271
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,226
I recently thought about volunteering.

272
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,145
to teach disadvantaged children to read.

273
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,857
Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had.

274
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,943
Derek, I don't think you're cut out for something like this.

275
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,445
I mean, maybe I could even have my own institute.

276
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:21,409
We could call it the Derek Zoolander Center for children who can't read well.

277
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,954
And what about us? We built this place together.

278
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,747
Danger! Squeeze Tushy!

279
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,123
Maury!

280
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,376
Derek, when I met you you were a little boy

281
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,586
who couldn't book a damn Sears catalog,

282
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,296
and who couldn't even turn left to save his ass.

283
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,424
– And now look at yourself. – I can turn left!

284
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,134
Yes, exactly.

285
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:40,846
Derek, please. Some male models walk left at the end of a catwalk,

286
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,055
others go to the right.

287
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:45,225
They've gotten a lot of presents, but hanging a Louie isn't one of them.

288
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,601
Sit down!

289
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,438
Hey, want to hear some great news?

290
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:57,946
Mugatu wants you for his new campaign.

291
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:01,199
Didn't you hear me, Maury? I just retired.

292
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:03,243
But this is Mugatu, Derek.

293
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,620
Right now this guy is so hot

294
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:09,207
he can take a pile, wrap it in aluminum foil, attach a few fishing hooks to it,

295
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,751
and sell it as earrings to Queen Elizabeth.

296
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:18,133
Derek, you are the laughing stock of the entire fashion world.

297
00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,805
What do we do when we fall off a horse?

298
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,771
We get back in.

299
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,192
I'm sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

300
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,447
I'm going back home. I need to get in touch with my roots.

301
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:43,450
Find out who I am. See you, Maury.

302
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,775
Hey, dad!

303
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:24,115
It's me.

304
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:28,578
Scrappy, Luke,

305
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:31,790
you remember your brother, right?

306
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:33,500
What do you want?

307
00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,545
I thought maybe I could work with you in the mines.

308
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:39,923
You know, all the Zoolander men together again,

309
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:41,591
like when we were children.

310
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:43,343
Times have changed, boy.

311
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,720
You wouldn't survive a day in these coal mines.

312
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:49,349
Can't you even pretend you're happy to see me, dad?

313
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,728
Damn, Derek, I'm a miner, not a professional film and television actor.

314
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:59,901
Do us all a favor and get out of here.

315
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,364
Pop, wait please!

316
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,074
Give me a chance.

317
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,661
I won't disappoint you. I promise.

318
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:22,173
Stay very still. Very quiet. I'm working right now. This...

319
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:24,050
-Ouch! -Oh I'm sorry.

320
00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,386
Was my needle in the way of your ass?

321
00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:29,556
Do me a favor and lose five pounds right now,

322
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,766
or get out of my building immediately!

323
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,268
Exit!

324
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,521
I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now!

325
00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:37,856
It's Maury.

326
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:39,774
Tell me something good.

327
00:22:39,942 --> 00:22:41,860
You may need to look for someone else.

328
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:45,780
There is no one else. The show is in 10 days, Ballstein.

329
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,199
Jaco, I understand you, but the boy is confused.

330
00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:51,119
He went home. He talks about going away to think

331
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,621
and give tutoring to underprivileged idiots or some shit like that.

332
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:56,666
I don't care what it costs. Get him back.

333
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,044
We're running out of time. Capisce?

334
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:02,130
Yes, I get it. If only I could understand now.

335
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:05,759
My prostate is flaring up like a fucking tiki torch.

336
00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:10,472
Give me a little pee. Come on, a few drops.

337
00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:14,642
That's what I'm talking about!

338
00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:49,677
Surprise!

339
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,645
What the hell is wrong with you?

340
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,534
Pacheco back to the pass.

341
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,369
He feels the pressure from Pressman.

342
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,538
He gets fellow All-American wide receiver John DeRosa.

343
00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:18,373
He gave him complete freedom in the middle of the field.

344
00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:20,041
Big rush.

345
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,960
Who will win the match?

346
00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:24,295
Meet Kevin Connolly, the tight end down there.

347
00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:25,713
Condition.

348
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:33,138
I think I'm getting silicosis, dad.

349
00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,473
The ventilation down there isn't very good.

350
00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:37,976
For God's sake, Derek, you were down there one day.

351
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,603
Talk to me again in 30 years.

352
00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:54,159
Moisture is the essence of wetness,

353
00:24:57,913 --> 00:25:02,750
and wetness is the essence of beauty.

354
00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:16,598
Why did you have to come back to this damn town?

355
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,143
I wanted to build a new life for myself.

356
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:23,646
I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure.

357
00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,274
That my hair looks better with gel and mousse

358
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,985
than being hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it!

359
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:33,364
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me, Dad.

360
00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:36,117
With what? Your male modeling?

361
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,369
Dancing around in your underwear

362
00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,455
with a sausage hanging out for everyone to see?

363
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,127
You died for me, boy.

364
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,674
To me you are deader than your dead mother.

365
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:56,804
I thank the Lord that she didn't live to see her son become a mermaid.

366
00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:01,935
Merman.

367
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:08,316
Merman!

368
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,911
Who am I?

369
00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:34,050
Hello? Derek, do you hear me?

370
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,219
-God? -God?

371
00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:39,264
What the hell are you talking about? It's me. Maury.

372
00:26:39,348 --> 00:26:41,015
I hope you're done touching your roots,

373
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:43,768
because Mugatu makes you an offer you won't believe.

374
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:45,603
You have to bring your hands back here.

375
00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:54,404
Well, to tell you the truth, I was a bit hesitant at first, Mr Mugatu.

376
00:26:54,697 --> 00:26:58,866
I mean, you've never hired me before, and I've been here for...

377
00:26:58,951 --> 00:27:01,369
For ages. You've been here for a very, very long time.

378
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:02,662
I never wanted anything from you.

379
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,914
And now that you're retired, I can't have you.

380
00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:06,291
And it's funny how it changes like that.

381
00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:09,460
But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted.

382
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:12,714
Well, when Maury told me what you were willing to do, I...

383
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:17,385
Todd!

384
00:27:17,928 --> 00:27:21,556
Don't you realize that a frothy latte makes me fart and get bloated?

385
00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:23,808
My mistake, Jacobim.

386
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:25,393
Your mistake, indeed!

387
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:37,864
Yes, Derek.

388
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:42,076
I'm willing to do for you what Maury said.

389
00:27:42,411 --> 00:27:45,496
Let's get back to the reason why we're actually here.

390
00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:50,877
Without much further ado, I give you this

391
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:55,882
the Derek Zoolander Center for children who cannot read well.

392
00:28:06,268 --> 00:28:07,643
What is that?

393
00:28:11,982 --> 00:28:14,025
A center for ants?

394
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:15,777
What?

395
00:28:19,573 --> 00:28:22,867
How can we expect to teach children to read,

396
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,953
if they don't even fit in the building?

397
00:28:27,998 --> 00:28:30,708
-Derek, it's just a little... -I don't want to hear your excuses!

398
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,628
The center must at least

399
00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:37,799
three times bigger than that.

400
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:44,180
-He's absolutely right. -Thanks.

401
00:28:45,265 --> 00:28:46,474
I have a vision.

402
00:28:46,892 --> 00:28:50,186
And me too. Let me show you mine.

403
00:28:51,105 --> 00:28:53,815
I can't help you, lady. I don't know anything about Mugatu.

404
00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:56,609
But you've represented every male model in every one of his campaigns.

405
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:58,694
You have to have some kind of relationship with him.

406
00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:00,863
Even if I knew, why would I talk to you?

407
00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:04,075
Shame on you for choosing Derek Zoolander in this story.

408
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:06,494
He's a sweet, simple person who won't hurt a fly.

409
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:09,122
Please don't change the subject, Mr. Ballstein.

410
00:29:09,206 --> 00:29:12,166
And what about Mugatu's exploitation of workers in Malaysia's sweatshops?

411
00:29:12,251 --> 00:29:14,669
–Do you have an opinion about this? – Would you like to hear an opinion?

412
00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:17,755
With a push-up bra you could put a nice square of lamb over it.

413
00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:21,843
Let me show you the future of fashion.

414
00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:25,012
Let me show you

415
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:28,057
Expire!

416
00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:30,601
It's a fashion, a way of life,

417
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:33,604
inspired by the homeless, the tramps,

418
00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:35,606
the crack whores

419
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:38,025
that make this wonderful city so unique.

420
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:42,029
And I want you, Derek, to be the face,

421
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:46,159
the image, no, the ghost of Derelicte!

422
00:29:47,453 --> 00:29:49,662
It will be your brilliant comeback.

423
00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:51,372
Sounds cool.

424
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:56,127
Derek, I would like to introduce you to Katinka Ingabogovinanana.

425
00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:59,297
She will accompany you day after day in the election campaign.

426
00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:02,675
Let's get this model off the ground!

427
00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:05,636
The big show is in eight days, Derek.

428
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:12,226
Just as a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, you too must become Derelicte!

429
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:14,270
So you want me to sleep in the gutter?

430
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:17,690
No. We send you to a very exclusive day spa.

431
00:30:18,484 --> 00:30:22,445
So exclusive, no one knows about it. Our little secret, okay?

432
00:30:30,621 --> 00:30:32,830
–Matilda, hey. –Hey, Arch, what's up?

433
00:30:32,915 --> 00:30:34,499
Nothing. I've only been awake for a few days,

434
00:30:34,583 --> 00:30:37,502
We have compiled the background articles on Mugatu that you would like.

435
00:30:37,586 --> 00:30:40,338
Wow! Very thorough, Archie. Thanks.

436
00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:43,674
It's weird. I couldn't get any information about him before 1995.

437
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:45,009
It's like he just appeared out of the blue.

438
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:47,345
-Really? That's funny. -Yes.

439
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:51,724
-Matilda Jeffries. -Continue pulling on the sweater.

440
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:55,436
-I'm sorry, what? -At some point things will resolve themselves.

441
00:30:56,104 --> 00:31:00,233
You mean if you pull the thread the whole thing will unravel?

442
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:03,986
Now you're talking, sister. If you want to know more, go to Pier 12.

443
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:06,239
Things are not what they seem.

444
00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,959
What kind of spa is this?

445
00:31:19,253 --> 00:31:24,131
It is designed for deep, deep relaxation. Come on, let's loosen you up.

446
00:31:34,476 --> 00:31:37,395
Good boy. Good boy.

447
00:31:37,563 --> 00:31:38,563
Good boy.

448
00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:08,926
I'm sorry.

449
00:32:09,511 --> 00:32:10,511
Derek?

450
00:32:12,389 --> 00:32:15,099
Matilda, what are you doing here?

451
00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:16,684
I was...

452
00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:24,108
What are you doing here, Derek? I thought you had gone out of business.

453
00:32:24,443 --> 00:32:27,695
Haven't you heard it yet? I am the new face of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

454
00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:34,827
What do you think, Derek? You said Mugatu would never hire you.

455
00:32:35,037 --> 00:32:36,579
Well, I guess he changed his mind.

456
00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:39,165
It's just the biggest campaign in the world. Any times.

457
00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:42,084
What is that? Who are you?

458
00:32:42,336 --> 00:32:44,420
This is private property. Nils!

459
00:32:48,258 --> 00:32:52,011
I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit,

460
00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:55,514
Stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander.

461
00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:04,231
How are you feeling, Derek?

462
00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:07,860
OK.

463
00:33:09,196 --> 00:33:10,780
When is the algae pack available?

464
00:33:10,864 --> 00:33:11,906
Now shut up.

465
00:33:12,574 --> 00:33:15,534
I want you to relax

466
00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:19,622
and take a deep breath.

467
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,919
Take a deep breath.

468
00:33:31,677 --> 00:33:34,804
– I like this song. – Of course you like it.

469
00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,266
Hello, Derek.

470
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,060
Hello.

471
00:33:41,687 --> 00:33:44,021
Welcome to your relaxation time.

472
00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:49,318
Let this wonderful 80's classic calm you down.

473
00:33:49,403 --> 00:33:52,405
Just a nice, warm, happy time.

474
00:33:52,614 --> 00:33:56,617
Happy, happy, happy.

475
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,456
There is no reason to worry at all.

476
00:34:02,958 --> 00:34:05,042
Just relax.

477
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:09,714
Hello Derek. My name is Lit' Cteatus.

478
00:34:10,674 --> 00:34:14,343
I'm just a kid who wants you to know the truth about child labor laws.

479
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,470
-OK? -OK.

480
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:19,598
They are silly and outdated. In the good old days,

481
00:34:19,683 --> 00:34:22,810
Children aged five and over were able to work as they pleased,

482
00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:25,855
from textile factories to ironworks.

483
00:34:25,939 --> 00:34:27,940
Yippee! Hurray!

484
00:34:28,442 --> 00:34:32,069
But today children's ancient right to work is under attack.

485
00:34:32,821 --> 00:34:36,323
From the Philippines to Bangladesh, China and India,

486
00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:38,325
and also South America.

487
00:34:39,953 --> 00:34:42,455
But you can help these kids, Derek,

488
00:34:42,539 --> 00:34:45,499
by killing the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

489
00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:47,668
-He's evil. -What?

490
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:50,838
You learn martial arts.

491
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:55,134
Prime Minister of Malaysia, evil!

492
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:56,886
Martial arts good!

493
00:34:57,053 --> 00:35:01,515
Kill the naughty man! Kill the naughty man! Kill the naughty man!

494
00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:03,726
Obey my dog!

495
00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:06,645
On the runway you have a goal.

496
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:11,275
Don't be distracted by the beautiful celebrities.

497
00:35:13,695 --> 00:35:19,283
Do what you were taught and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister!

498
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:23,204
Karate punch! Bad, man! Terrible man!

499
00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:26,832
In your little blue suit and your spiky black hair. Kill!

500
00:35:26,917 --> 00:35:29,543
You are a super hot ninja machine!

501
00:35:39,387 --> 00:35:42,056
–Derek, are you in there? -Stay calm!

502
00:35:42,182 --> 00:35:45,518
-Derek, please open the door! -What a crazy dream.

503
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:46,602
Derek!

504
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,981
-What? -Hey, are you okay?

505
00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:53,067
I've been trying to reach you for a week.

506
00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:55,319
One week? What, are you having a tantrum?

507
00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:57,530
I saw you this afternoon, stupid.

508
00:35:57,864 --> 00:35:59,365
That was last Friday.

509
00:35:59,825 --> 00:36:02,368
Earth to Matilda. I went to a day spa.

510
00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:07,414
Day. DAIYE. OK?

511
00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:10,125
I think I know what it's about.

512
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:14,338
and I'm very flattered, but not interested.

513
00:36:15,257 --> 00:36:17,758
-What? -I can't sleep with you, okay?

514
00:36:17,843 --> 00:36:20,553
– My head is killing me and… – What are you talking about?

515
00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:22,596
Okay, if you just want to fool around a bit...

516
00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:25,266
Hey, I don't want to sleep with you!

517
00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:27,518
I'm trying to tell you that you've been missing for a week.

518
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:28,644
Just look at the date.

519
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:31,730
Mugatu's Derelicte show is tomorrow night.

520
00:36:31,815 --> 00:36:33,983
I don't care about the date.

521
00:36:35,944 --> 00:36:38,612
You have 1,200 messages.

522
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:41,824
This is slightly above average.

523
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,119
-Derek, what happened at that spa? -I don't know.

524
00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:47,496
A little massage, some aromatherapy.

525
00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:51,333
I mean, look, lady, you can't just barge into other people's lofts,

526
00:36:51,418 --> 00:36:53,419
want sex, then change your mind,

527
00:36:53,503 --> 00:36:55,880
and then telling them they went to a day spa for a week.

528
00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:58,007
They went to a day spa for a week.

529
00:36:58,091 --> 00:36:59,633
So what?

530
00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:02,887
Do you understand that the world doesn't revolve around you,

531
00:37:02,971 --> 00:37:05,973
and your "Do whatever it takes, ruin as many lives as possible,

532
00:37:06,099 --> 00:37:08,893
"As long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigative journalist,

533
00:37:08,977 --> 00:37:10,436
"no matter how many friends you lose,

534
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,188
"or people you leave behind on the way, dead and covered in blood,

535
00:37:13,273 --> 00:37:15,065
"As long as you can make a name for yourself

536
00:37:15,150 --> 00:37:16,317
“as an investigative journalist,

537
00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:18,360
"no matter how many friends you lose,

538
00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:22,156
“or people you leave behind dead, bloodied and dying along the way”?

539
00:37:23,992 --> 00:37:26,327
Derek, I told you I was sorry about the article.

540
00:37:26,453 --> 00:37:28,913
Enough! My head hurts!

541
00:37:28,997 --> 00:37:30,664
And if it's actually the day you claim,

542
00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:33,709
I have to go to a pre-runway party, if you'll excuse me.

543
00:37:37,172 --> 00:37:39,506
–By the way… –What?

544
00:37:39,841 --> 00:37:41,008
With your complexion,

545
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:43,177
You really shouldn't wear your hair slicked back so tightly.

546
00:37:43,762 --> 00:37:45,095
What are you talking about?

547
00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:46,889
It pulls back the skin on the forehead,

548
00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:48,933
This creates tension that clogs the pores.

549
00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:51,644
Because of this, there is a slight dryness on the scalp.

550
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:54,021
Do you mind?

551
00:38:03,156 --> 00:38:04,448
Cool.

552
00:38:16,044 --> 00:38:20,798
I don't like nosy reporters with no fashion sense.

553
00:38:20,882 --> 00:38:23,384
Not a bit.

554
00:38:27,222 --> 00:38:29,682
Hey, I just emailed you all the LexisNexis searches,

555
00:38:29,766 --> 00:38:32,810
to the male models who have appeared in Mugatu campaigns.

556
00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:36,271
It's pretty strange. It seems like all of Mr. Mugatu's models

557
00:38:36,356 --> 00:38:39,650
have a bad habit of dying young in bizarre accidents.

558
00:38:39,734 --> 00:38:40,776
What?

559
00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,494
–Wait a second. -What?

560
00:39:00,922 --> 00:39:03,590
-Oh shit. I have to go. -What's up?

561
00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:08,804
I don't want to hang out, okay?

562
00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:11,390
I just need to talk to Derek Zoolander, please!

563
00:39:11,599 --> 00:39:14,727
I was just thinking how you handled losing the prize to Hansel,

564
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:17,521
and then you kept a low profile for a while,

565
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:19,648
and then made her comeback...

566
00:39:19,733 --> 00:39:21,567
It was so brave.

567
00:39:22,110 --> 00:39:23,819
Listen, I have to pee,

568
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:26,655
but I would really like to talk more about this conversation

569
00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:27,865
when I come back.

570
00:39:28,116 --> 00:39:29,199
Yes.

571
00:39:31,536 --> 00:39:34,329
-Everything cool, Derek? -Everything's great, Biff. Thanks.

572
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,500
Hey, Derek. You are the best.

573
00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:40,961
Thank you, Paris. I appreciate that.

574
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:44,214
-Hey, Derek. -Hey, Maurice.

575
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:47,092
–Hey, my man. -What's up?

576
00:39:48,344 --> 00:39:50,262
Derek, back on top, man.

577
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,431
Thanks, Billy. You're awesome.

578
00:39:52,724 --> 00:39:55,142
No, you're awesome. When are you going to throw magnums at us, buddy?

579
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:58,729
Not yet. You must tame the beast before letting it out of its cage.

580
00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:05,694
– Sorry, brother. – You are excused.

581
00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:11,784
And I'm not your brother.

582
00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:18,165
Whatever, dude. Doesn't matter. Peace. God bless you.

583
00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:22,544
Hey Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

584
00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:24,421
Maybe next time.

585
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:26,799
What is that?

586
00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:30,344
Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. It's a shame you didn't book her.

587
00:40:30,887 --> 00:40:33,097
Oh yeah? I've never heard of it.

588
00:40:33,181 --> 00:40:34,640
Me and my friends were too busy

589
00:40:34,724 --> 00:40:36,308
Swimming off the south coast of St. Barts,

590
00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:38,060
with spider monkeys during the last two weeks.

591
00:40:38,394 --> 00:40:41,230
An acid trip changed our whole perspective on shit.

592
00:40:41,689 --> 00:40:46,401
Well, I guess you can lick my balls, Captain.

593
00:40:49,531 --> 00:40:51,365
Would you hold this for me?

594
00:40:53,201 --> 00:40:56,912
I can lick my own balls, thank you very much.

595
00:41:00,375 --> 00:41:02,459
You think you're too cool for school.

596
00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:06,255
But I have breaking news for you, Walter Cronkite.

597
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:12,052
That's not you.

598
00:41:16,516 --> 00:41:19,059
Who do you want to go crazy with, Ese?

599
00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:22,563
Don't you know that I'm crazy?

600
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:26,400
Hey, I have a crazy idea.

601
00:41:28,403 --> 00:41:31,572
What do you think if we sort this out on the runway?

602
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:35,159
Han Solo?

603
00:41:42,709 --> 00:41:44,084
Stop it.

604
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:48,005
Are you challenging me to a walk-off?

605
00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:50,257
Boo Lander?

606
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,385
Don't do that, Derek.

607
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:55,304
Listen to your friend Billy Zane.

608
00:41:56,598 --> 00:42:00,475
He's a cool guy. He's trying to help you.

609
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:04,605
Oh yes. This is a challenge not to be missed, my friend.

610
00:42:09,319 --> 00:42:12,154
Ten minutes. Old warehouse for members only.

611
00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:14,364
You shouldn't forget that. You are a dinosaur.

612
00:42:14,616 --> 00:42:16,116
Let's go. Open up.

613
00:42:20,747 --> 00:42:23,457
I've heard some crazy stories about this boy. He is flexible. He's too flexible.

614
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,626
Put a cork on it, Zane!

615
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,631
It's a walk-off. Walk off.

616
00:42:30,924 --> 00:42:33,800
This is urgent, ma'am. Do you have any...

617
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:38,472
Derek? Derek! Derek!

618
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,598
Hello, Matilda.

619
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:41,767
What is that? Where is everyone going?

620
00:42:41,851 --> 00:42:44,102
Good luck, Derek! Kick Hansel's ass!

621
00:42:44,187 --> 00:42:45,812
Thanks, Rico. I'll try it.

622
00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:48,273
Want to experience the real world of male modeling?

623
00:42:48,358 --> 00:42:51,109
The one you don't see in magazines or on the E! channel?

624
00:42:51,194 --> 00:42:53,612
Yes, I think. Derek, please.

625
00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:55,781
I have something really important to discuss with you.

626
00:42:55,865 --> 00:42:57,074
Not now, Matilda.

627
00:42:57,158 --> 00:42:59,910
Han traitor will soon have his Han traitor ass

628
00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:03,413
was served to him on a platter with French fries.

629
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:06,166
Katinka, I thought you might want to know

630
00:43:06,251 --> 00:43:08,418
You boy Zoolander is rolling.

631
00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:10,003
It's a walk-off.

632
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:34,987
All right, who's going to call this idiot?

633
00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:36,571
If no one objects,

634
00:43:38,408 --> 00:43:40,033
I think I can be of help to you.

635
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:50,377
This will now be a straight walk-off, under old-school rules.

636
00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:53,380
The first model goes, the second model duplicates,

637
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,756
then explained.

638
00:43:55,425 --> 00:43:57,759
Okay, guys, let's get to work.

639
00:43:58,219 --> 00:44:00,304
Age before beauty, goat cheese.

640
00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:01,763
Whatever.

641
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:06,184
Right.

642
00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:37,758
Play school, baby.

643
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:10,540
You have to cut me. I can't see anything. I'm blind out there.

644
00:45:10,625 --> 00:45:11,625
Evian. Evian.

645
00:45:15,088 --> 00:45:16,713
It's okay. It's okay.

646
00:45:30,228 --> 00:45:31,978
-Where am I? Where am I? -It's okay.

647
00:45:32,897 --> 00:45:35,899
-Kick, Hoss. -I will become a monk.

648
00:45:37,777 --> 00:45:40,445
I have to become a monk. Pray. Pray.

649
00:45:40,530 --> 00:45:41,738
Pray to the Great Spirit.

650
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,674
Do it, Hansel. Just do it. Do it, Hansel.

651
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,512
Why is he putting his hand in his pants?

652
00:46:08,683 --> 00:46:09,683
Do it, Hansel.

653
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:30,287
That's what I'm talking about.

654
00:46:30,371 --> 00:46:34,749
Derek, you're not a child anymore. You could hurt yourself out there.

655
00:46:37,378 --> 00:46:39,045
I can do this, Tyson.

656
00:46:49,724 --> 00:46:52,058
Thank God I wore underwear today.

657
00:47:01,027 --> 00:47:02,152
He will try.

658
00:47:23,799 --> 00:47:25,258
Oh my God.

659
00:47:35,311 --> 00:47:36,603
Disqualified.

660
00:47:44,028 --> 00:47:45,195
Derek, come on. Come on.

661
00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:46,988
Light up.

662
00:47:47,365 --> 00:47:49,032
What's up?

663
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,201
I think Katinka wants to kill you.

664
00:47:51,285 --> 00:47:55,956
Good. I deserve to die if I can't beat Han-Suck-Ass in a walk-off.

665
00:47:56,791 --> 00:47:58,208
Derek, that's not true.

666
00:47:58,834 --> 00:48:01,628
The guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt

667
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:02,963
just to beat you.

668
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,842
And all he had to do was turn left.

669
00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:11,888
What do you mean?

670
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:14,015
I'm not an ambi gymnast.

671
00:48:15,476 --> 00:48:17,686
I've had this problem since I was a child.

672
00:48:18,688 --> 00:48:20,063
I can't turn left.

673
00:48:21,190 --> 00:48:23,984
Derek, this is nothing to be ashamed of.

674
00:48:24,277 --> 00:48:27,279
I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn around...

675
00:48:31,117 --> 00:48:33,910
I mean, there must be people out there

676
00:48:33,995 --> 00:48:36,663
just like you who can't turn around...

677
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:39,833
Turn left.

678
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:42,919
Hello.

679
00:48:43,004 --> 00:48:45,755
If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now.

680
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,799
Wait! Wait! Wait! Who are you?

681
00:48:48,509 --> 00:48:49,509
Who was that?

682
00:48:49,594 --> 00:48:52,762
I'm not sure. I have to go to St. Adonis Cemetery.

683
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,264
Listen, I'll take you to my apartment, okay?

684
00:48:54,348 --> 00:48:56,099
You can stay there until I come back.

685
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:57,851
Can I come with you?

686
00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:00,770
I don't want to be alone tonight.

687
00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:14,701
Peter Scialfa.

688
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:18,288
He died at 29 years old.

689
00:49:21,709 --> 00:49:23,209
I'm Vin Correjo.

690
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:27,881
“An exceptional ass.”

691
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,679
92 minus 63.

692
00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:37,390
None of them ever lived past 30.

693
00:49:38,851 --> 00:49:39,851
I have.

694
00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:42,520
Who are you?

695
00:49:43,898 --> 00:49:45,190
It's not important.

696
00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:47,108
Are you a ghost?

697
00:49:49,445 --> 00:49:51,237
He called: Derek.

698
00:49:52,156 --> 00:49:53,573
Let's take a walk.

699
00:49:54,450 --> 00:49:58,119
You think Zoolander is in trouble? Think again.

700
00:49:58,496 --> 00:50:01,581
What you have stumbled upon goes much deeper than you could ever understand.

701
00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:04,167
The fashion industry is behind,

702
00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:08,421
every major political assassination in the last 200 years.

703
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:12,967
And behind every hit there is a registered male model.

704
00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:14,844
Okay, that's impossible.

705
00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:17,764
Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetie.

706
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:20,684
Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right?

707
00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:22,185
But who do you think made the powdered wigs?

708
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:25,355
and colorful leggings worn by our country's early leaders?

709
00:50:27,191 --> 00:50:28,441
Limit!

710
00:50:30,486 --> 00:50:31,903
Slaves, Derek.

711
00:50:33,698 --> 00:50:37,492
Without their free labor, prices for such items would have increased tenfold.

712
00:50:37,660 --> 00:50:40,537
The powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth,

713
00:50:40,621 --> 00:50:43,957
the original model/actor who was supposed to kill Mr. Lincoln.

714
00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:47,127
I'll carry on.

715
00:50:47,420 --> 00:50:50,255
Dallas, Texas, 1963.

716
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:52,882
Kennedy had just imposed a trade embargo on Cuba,

717
00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:56,678
The supply of Cuban-made trousers has reportedly been stopped.

718
00:50:56,804 --> 00:50:58,471
An incredibly popular item at the time.

719
00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,015
Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model.

720
00:51:01,100 --> 00:51:02,142
And you're damn right he wasn't.

721
00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:03,768
But these two lookers, the Kennedy

722
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:05,729
from the grassy hill they certainly were.

723
00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:08,773
And what about you?

724
00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:10,442
How do you fit into all of this?

725
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:12,318
This nation has been overrun...

726
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:14,654
I'll get it, ma'am.

727
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,495
I can't get over it...

728
00:51:22,872 --> 00:51:23,997
Wait a minute.

729
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:28,001
-No. –I know this hand.

730
00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:33,214
It was in the Fall 1973 Bulova watch catalog.

731
00:51:35,176 --> 00:51:36,468
You are JP Prewitt.

732
00:51:38,387 --> 00:51:40,263
The largest hand model in the world.

733
00:51:41,974 --> 00:51:45,727
Once upon a time. But things are changing.

734
00:51:46,353 --> 00:51:48,271
Thanks to this self-made hyperbaric chamber

735
00:51:48,355 --> 00:51:50,106
my sweet baby never did that.

736
00:51:52,151 --> 00:51:54,027
Let's move on.

737
00:51:54,695 --> 00:51:58,323
And that's when I found out that I was the one who was supposed to assassinate Jimmy Carter.

738
00:51:58,407 --> 00:52:01,534
-So how did you manage to escape? -Because I'm a hand model, mom.

739
00:52:02,411 --> 00:52:04,120
A finger jockey. We don't think alike

740
00:52:04,205 --> 00:52:06,289
like the face and body boys do.

741
00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:09,626
-We are a different species. -So why male models?

742
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,127
Think about it, Derek.

743
00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:15,215
Male models are genetically designed to become murderers.

744
00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:17,258
They are in top shape.

745
00:52:20,054 --> 00:52:23,056
You can get to the safest places in the world.

746
00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:28,770
And most important of all: models don't think for themselves.

747
00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:32,065
-They do what they are told. -That is not true.

748
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:34,234
-Yes, that's it, Derek. -OK.

749
00:52:35,277 --> 00:52:38,404
Yes. Think about every photo shoot you've ever been to.

750
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:41,950
You're a monkey, Derek! You are a monkey.

751
00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:44,953
Dance, monkey, in your little sparkly shoes!

752
00:52:45,037 --> 00:52:47,622
Hit your cymbals, chimpanzee! Dance, Derek, dance!

753
00:52:48,707 --> 00:52:50,166
Good point.

754
00:52:50,251 --> 00:52:53,002
But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu...

755
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:54,963
He's just a stupid errand boy,

756
00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:57,549
Work for an international syndicate of fashion designers.

757
00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:00,760
Do a little background check on your Mr. Mugatu.

758
00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:04,931
You will find that he sold his soul to the devil for a chance at great success.

759
00:53:06,058 --> 00:53:07,475
But why male models?

760
00:53:12,273 --> 00:53:15,984
Are you serious? I just told you that.

761
00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:17,694
Right.

762
00:53:17,778 --> 00:53:21,155
You're a killing machine, Derek. They programmed you.

763
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,074
But I won't do it. I won't kill anyone.

764
00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,367
It's not up to you.

765
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:26,286
At the right moment they will trigger you,

766
00:53:26,370 --> 00:53:28,079
usually with some sort of auditory

767
00:53:28,163 --> 00:53:30,290
or visual Pavlovian response mechanism.

768
00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:33,001
- “Audi-what-ey”? – And when it’s over…

769
00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:36,254
What?

770
00:53:37,756 --> 00:53:39,299
There's an after party?

771
00:53:41,135 --> 00:53:42,468
Derek, get down!

772
00:53:45,723 --> 00:53:48,182
You need to get to Maury Ballstein's computer.

773
00:53:48,601 --> 00:53:52,645
He recorded everything in case they ever turned against him.

774
00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:57,066
Derek, pull yourself together! Pull yourself together!

775
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:01,613
Good luck, Derek. I've always been a fan of Blue Steel.

776
00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:04,741
And I hear Magnum is going to blow us all away.

777
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:07,076
Light up!

778
00:54:08,162 --> 00:54:10,830
- Get out of here. - Hang in there, JP

779
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:14,334
You damn idiot!

780
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,548
Man, that was close.

781
00:54:20,633 --> 00:54:22,967
I can't believe Maury is involved in this too.

782
00:54:23,052 --> 00:54:25,386
This shemale Katinka isn't kidding.

783
00:54:25,471 --> 00:54:27,096
You tell me that! For a second,

784
00:54:27,181 --> 00:54:29,432
I thought someone would read our “Eugoogoly”.

785
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:31,851
Okay, all right, we need a place to hide.

786
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:34,646
Derek, where would you least expect to find you?

787
00:54:35,064 --> 00:54:36,272
I don't know.

788
00:54:36,357 --> 00:54:38,650
Think about it, okay? This is important!

789
00:54:44,365 --> 00:54:45,615
I hate Hansel!

790
00:54:45,699 --> 00:54:49,035
Hansel, Hansel! Everywhere I look! Hansel! Hansel, Hansel!

791
00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:00,797
Did you want revenge?

792
00:55:01,966 --> 00:55:03,007
Sorry, Hansel.

793
00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:05,009
I don't think it's easy to express.

794
00:55:05,094 --> 00:55:06,719
so I'll just lay it out.

795
00:55:07,054 --> 00:55:09,889
Derek was brainwashed

796
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,518
to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

797
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:15,561
And?

798
00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:20,191
And we need a place to hide until we sort this whole thing out.

799
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:22,068
Derek said this was likely

800
00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:24,112
the last place you would look for him.

801
00:55:25,948 --> 00:55:27,907
Yes, it's cool for you to hide here.

802
00:55:28,951 --> 00:55:31,285
But first he and I need to clear a few things up.

803
00:55:33,330 --> 00:55:34,414
Fine.

804
00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:42,213
Why are you behaving so badly towards me?

805
00:55:48,429 --> 00:55:49,762
So, you go first.

806
00:55:51,056 --> 00:55:53,057
I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something,

807
00:55:53,142 --> 00:55:56,102
because your career is really blossoming,

808
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:58,855
and mine is kind of fading or whatever.

809
00:55:58,939 --> 00:56:01,607
And I thought, “This guy is really hurting me.”

810
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:04,318
and it hurt.

811
00:56:06,613 --> 00:56:09,699
And I felt like when you told me to lick my balls,

812
00:56:09,783 --> 00:56:11,159
that really hurt.

813
00:56:11,452 --> 00:56:14,871
Maybe I was scared, man. You are Derek Zoolander!

814
00:56:16,623 --> 00:56:18,708
Yes, you are Derek Zoolander.

815
00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:20,376
You know what it's like to be another model

816
00:56:20,461 --> 00:56:22,962
and stand in the shadow of Derek Zoolander?

817
00:56:27,509 --> 00:56:29,135
Do you want to hear something crazy?

818
00:56:32,347 --> 00:56:34,390
Your work

819
00:56:34,475 --> 00:56:38,144
in the winter catalog 95 International Male

820
00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:45,860
made me want to become a model.

821
00:56:49,448 --> 00:56:51,657
I fucking adore you, man.

822
00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,120
I'm sorry, I was crazy.

823
00:56:56,747 --> 00:57:00,124
I was crazy.

824
00:57:09,593 --> 00:57:11,094
So welcome to Hansel.

825
00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:13,262
You are welcome to hide here as long as you like.

826
00:57:13,347 --> 00:57:15,848
Well, there's not much time. The show is tomorrow night.

827
00:57:15,933 --> 00:57:17,683
By then we must have come up with a plan.

828
00:57:19,394 --> 00:57:21,646
I will rally the troops here.

829
00:57:22,022 --> 00:57:24,982
Hey, what's up, guys? Here are Derek and Matilda.

830
00:57:25,359 --> 00:57:27,360
Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.

831
00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:28,486
Hello !

832
00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:32,073
We have Buzzy Sullivan, big wave surfer from Maverick’s.

833
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:33,116
Hey, good.

834
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:35,576
It's this fantastic band, the Little Kings,

835
00:57:35,661 --> 00:57:37,870
I met her while ice sailing in Finland.

836
00:57:38,497 --> 00:57:40,414
This is my Sherpa, Lapsang.

837
00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:43,042
Okay, so, hello, guys! Listen for a moment.

838
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:47,588
Derek and Matilda are in hiding because some guys brainwashed Derek.

839
00:57:47,673 --> 00:57:49,757
to kill the Prime Minister of Micronesia.

840
00:57:49,842 --> 00:57:51,634
-Malaysia. -Right.

841
00:57:51,718 --> 00:57:54,137
So they're going to hide here for a while.

842
00:57:54,221 --> 00:57:55,429
Let's give them a good time.

843
00:57:55,639 --> 00:57:57,974
- Exactly! – All right, come here.

844
00:57:58,267 --> 00:58:00,393
Hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor?

845
00:58:00,519 --> 00:58:02,478
Can you bring me some of the tea that Lapsang and I got?

846
00:58:02,563 --> 00:58:04,147
when we free climbed the Mayan ruins?

847
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:14,073
This... This is really strong tea.

848
00:58:15,409 --> 00:58:17,201
No, it's exactly right. Trust me.

849
00:58:17,286 --> 00:58:19,912
Given all the intrigue you had to deal with.

850
00:58:20,706 --> 00:58:24,709
You know, Matilda, I'm surprised you're so worried about The Rock.

851
00:58:26,253 --> 00:58:28,004
From the article I read it appears that

852
00:58:28,088 --> 00:58:30,798
They don't really care about the people in our profession.

853
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,093
Why do you hate models, Matilda?

854
00:58:35,304 --> 00:58:37,597
-Honest? -Yes.

855
00:58:39,099 --> 00:58:43,936
I think she is vain, stupid and incredibly self-centered.

856
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:46,606
I completely agree with you.

857
00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:50,943
But what do you think about male models?

858
00:58:51,278 --> 00:58:52,528
Sweet.

859
00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:59,160
No no! Okay, but seriously, Matil. Is it okay if I call you Matil?

860
00:59:01,205 --> 00:59:02,914
What's wrong, Jo-Jo?

861
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:05,458
Because you're not telling us the whole story.

862
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:07,460
There's something else, isn't there?

863
00:59:07,794 --> 00:59:09,879
Do you really want to know the truth?

864
00:59:09,963 --> 00:59:13,341
-Yes. –Okay, then I will tell you the truth.

865
00:59:15,677 --> 00:59:20,932
When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class.

866
00:59:25,854 --> 00:59:27,396
All right, forget it.

867
00:59:27,981 --> 00:59:30,399
-No. -Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.

868
00:59:30,484 --> 00:59:32,944
I'm sorry. Please, carry on. My mistake.

869
00:59:34,279 --> 00:59:36,948
I was the one that all the pretty girls made fun of.

870
00:59:37,032 --> 00:59:39,867
It was a difficult phase.

871
00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,080
Anyway,

872
00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:46,916
Every day after school I came home and...

873
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:52,255
You know, I flipped through the pages of my mother's Vogue and Glamor.

874
00:59:52,339 --> 00:59:55,508
And I just...

875
00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:56,926
I would look at these women,

876
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:00,846
these perfect, beautiful,

877
01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:04,517
just incredible, skinny women.

878
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:06,852
I just couldn't...

879
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:09,897
Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like her.

880
01:00:11,358 --> 01:00:13,943
I... I just didn't understand. So...

881
01:00:16,822 --> 01:00:20,032
This is how I became...

882
01:00:23,745 --> 01:00:24,745
What?

883
01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:29,208
Bulimia.

884
01:00:31,920 --> 01:00:33,587
Can you read minds?

885
01:00:41,722 --> 01:00:44,598
This is vomiting after every meal.

886
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:49,562
Guess what? That's exactly what models do to people.

887
01:00:49,688 --> 01:00:51,814
You make them feel bad.

888
01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:52,898
Matilda...

889
01:00:53,900 --> 01:00:55,359
Matilda, it's easy...

890
01:00:56,695 --> 01:01:00,448
So what? I vomit after many meals.

891
01:01:00,782 --> 01:01:04,285
Me too. It's a great way to lose a few pounds before a show.

892
01:01:04,911 --> 01:01:08,122
Are you crazy? Do you understand that it is a disease?

893
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:11,917
Wow. How has this affected you with men? Did they want nothing to do with you?

894
01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:14,378
-Good point. -OK. You know what?

895
01:01:14,463 --> 01:01:19,091
I'm not going to sit here with you two and talk about my sex life or...

896
01:01:21,261 --> 01:01:23,763
Or the lack thereof.

897
01:01:25,599 --> 01:01:28,184
You mean, like, like you, like you...

898
01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:29,935
–I didn’t really… –You didn’t…

899
01:01:30,020 --> 01:01:32,772
– Done… – Done a while ago, yes.

900
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:35,649
Okay, what's a while? Like eight days?

901
01:01:38,028 --> 01:01:39,111
More?

902
01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,116
Try it for a few years.

903
01:01:44,201 --> 01:01:46,452
Oh, crap!

904
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:49,497
How do you live? How do you live?

905
01:01:49,581 --> 01:01:52,291
Seriously. Do you help yourself ten times a day?

906
01:01:53,085 --> 01:01:55,669
-End of discussion! -Simply. Okay, wait.

907
01:01:55,754 --> 01:01:57,213
- Always take it easy. - I feel uncomfortable talking.

908
01:01:57,297 --> 01:01:59,006
- Simply. Simply. – This is…

909
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:02,343
That was an emotional day for all of us.

910
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:09,517
I think we should take off our clothes.

911
01:02:09,601 --> 01:02:10,601
What?

912
01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:12,686
Don't ask questions.

913
01:02:13,772 --> 01:02:15,940
Just surrender to the power of tea.

914
01:02:59,025 --> 01:03:00,943
So I rappelled down from Vesuvius,

915
01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:04,071
when suddenly I slip and start to fall.

916
01:03:04,156 --> 01:03:06,073
I mean, I'm about to die. Hot bread, Zeke.

917
01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:10,536
I just fall. I will never forget the horror.

918
01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:14,290
When I suddenly remember: "Holy shit. Hansel,

919
01:03:14,374 --> 01:03:17,126
“Didn’t you smoke peyote continuously for six days?”

920
01:03:17,210 --> 01:03:19,962
“And could some of this just be in your head?”

921
01:03:20,046 --> 01:03:21,380
And?

922
01:03:22,674 --> 01:03:25,176
That was it. I was totally fine.

923
01:03:25,385 --> 01:03:27,386
I've never been to Vesuvius.

924
01:03:28,805 --> 01:03:30,306
Cool story, Hansel.

925
01:03:30,682 --> 01:03:31,765
Thanks, Olaf.

926
01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:35,644
Dude, how awesome was last night?

927
01:03:35,729 --> 01:03:38,063
I mean, Earth space. Then the dirt flew.

928
01:03:38,190 --> 01:03:40,691
You couldn't see anything. It was like, “Who is this?”

929
01:03:40,775 --> 01:03:43,694
-Who is that? -I think I'm falling in love with Matilda, Hansel.

930
01:03:44,529 --> 01:03:47,114
Dude, I didn't want to say anything

931
01:03:47,199 --> 01:03:50,451
but it was a crazy energy flying back and forth between you.

932
01:03:50,535 --> 01:03:52,119
It was as if to say, “Watch out!”

933
01:03:52,204 --> 01:03:53,829
There was a moment last night,

934
01:03:53,914 --> 01:03:56,165
when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves

935
01:03:56,249 --> 01:03:57,333
and the Maori tribesman...

936
01:03:59,044 --> 01:04:00,586
-Yes. -...where I thought

937
01:04:00,795 --> 01:04:05,466
“Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.”

938
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:07,801
Really?

939
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:10,304
What do you call that?

940
01:04:10,764 --> 01:04:13,098
I think that's what you call love, D-Bone.

941
01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:18,729
Hey!

942
01:04:18,813 --> 01:04:20,439
So what time is it?

943
01:04:20,774 --> 01:04:23,067
– Almost 5:00. – What?

944
01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:25,903
Hey guys, the show is in three hours.

945
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:29,114
Derek's dead if we don't get this evidence. Do you have...

946
01:04:29,199 --> 01:04:33,452
Very easy. How about “Hello, Derek and Hansel.”

947
01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,080
“Thanks for the freak fest last night”?

948
01:04:38,833 --> 01:04:40,834
-Hello? -Hello?

949
01:04:42,170 --> 01:04:43,379
Hello, Katinka.

950
01:04:44,422 --> 01:04:47,007
No, I just partied late into the night yesterday.

951
01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:49,885
-Derek, hang up now! -Where am I?

952
01:04:49,970 --> 01:04:50,928
-Listen, I have to go! -Hang up!

953
01:04:51,012 --> 01:04:52,513
But we'll see you at 7:00. Okay, bye.

954
01:04:52,597 --> 01:04:55,140
Derek, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

955
01:04:55,892 --> 01:05:00,896
Turn off my phone?

956
01:05:00,981 --> 01:05:02,898
-Yes. -Earth to Matilda.

957
01:05:02,983 --> 01:05:05,734
This phone is as much a part of me as...

958
01:05:05,819 --> 01:05:09,655
Guess what? Can we please just stop with all the “earth on” noises?

959
01:05:09,739 --> 01:05:12,658
We're not really saying the earth is calling you, Matilda.

960
01:05:12,742 --> 01:05:16,161
Yes. No, I understood that. I understand that you don't mean that literally...

961
01:05:16,246 --> 01:05:18,122
No, I don't think so.

962
01:05:18,498 --> 01:05:22,126
Listen. It's not like we think we're actually in a control tower,

963
01:05:22,210 --> 01:05:25,629
try to reach aliens in space or something, okay?

964
01:05:25,797 --> 01:05:29,508
Hello.

965
01:05:30,510 --> 01:05:33,554
-Oh, crap! -A joke.

966
01:05:34,306 --> 01:05:35,764
Okay, you know what?

967
01:05:35,849 --> 01:05:39,268
Instead, I'll try to find a way into Maury's.

968
01:05:39,352 --> 01:05:41,562
before Derek assassinates a head of state.

969
01:05:44,232 --> 01:05:45,357
Wait a minute.

970
01:05:46,234 --> 01:05:47,610
I might have an idea.

971
01:05:48,987 --> 01:05:51,196
You'll look for us at Maury, won't you?

972
01:05:52,032 --> 01:05:53,741
But they won't look for...

973
01:05:56,036 --> 01:05:57,036
Not us.

974
01:05:57,621 --> 01:05:59,371
Derek, what are you talking about?

975
01:06:00,540 --> 01:06:02,541
Hansel, do you have a cosmetic case?

976
01:06:02,626 --> 01:06:05,502
Sure, I mean, just for mending or whatever.

977
01:06:05,587 --> 01:06:07,129
What are you going to do with it?

978
01:06:08,214 --> 01:06:10,549
That's enough. At the beginning of my career

979
01:06:10,634 --> 01:06:12,843
I used to do my own makeup and haircuts.

980
01:06:12,927 --> 01:06:15,137
If I can create a simple disguise for us,

981
01:06:15,221 --> 01:06:17,723
Maybe we can sneak in to Maury's house unnoticed.

982
01:06:18,933 --> 01:06:22,061
You talk crazy and I like that.

983
01:06:43,667 --> 01:06:50,756
Welcome to Derelicte.

984
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:55,052
Hansel calls for Matil. Hansel calls for Matil.

985
01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:56,178
We have entry. Repeat.

986
01:06:56,262 --> 01:06:58,263
-We have entry. -Okay, guys. I understand you.

987
01:06:58,348 --> 01:07:01,100
Once you have the information, I would like you to email it to my office.

988
01:07:01,184 --> 01:07:02,434
and I will download the files,

989
01:07:02,519 --> 01:07:04,770
We'll meet and pass the information on to the police.

990
01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:06,188
We hear you loud and clear.

991
01:07:08,775 --> 01:07:09,900
Listen, Matil.

992
01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:12,820
I've been thinking a lot about this bulimia thing.

993
01:07:13,321 --> 01:07:16,865
And I want you to know that I understand your situation.

994
01:07:17,617 --> 01:07:21,036
I think it's a real shame that good-looking people like us,

995
01:07:21,121 --> 01:07:23,288
made you puke and made you feel bad.

996
01:07:24,207 --> 01:07:25,416
Seriously.

997
01:07:26,960 --> 01:07:29,795
-Thanks, Derek. Now hurry up. -OK.

998
01:07:31,131 --> 01:07:32,506
Hey, I finally have the results

999
01:07:32,590 --> 01:07:35,467
for the name verification you requested for Jacobim Mugatu.

1000
01:07:35,552 --> 01:07:38,345
– Or should I say Jacob Moogberg. – What?

1001
01:07:38,430 --> 01:07:40,848
He changed his name when he entered the fashion business.

1002
01:07:41,099 --> 01:07:43,726
Apparently the guy was the original guitar synth player,

1003
01:07:43,810 --> 01:07:45,436
for the band Frankie Goes to Hollywood,

1004
01:07:45,520 --> 01:07:47,020
but he was kicked out before they had their big break

1005
01:07:47,105 --> 01:07:48,814
with the song Relax.

1006
01:07:48,898 --> 01:07:50,774
After Frankie's people ditched him,

1007
01:07:50,859 --> 01:07:53,152
He had a number of odd jobs until

1008
01:07:53,236 --> 01:07:57,573
Imagine: He invented the piano key tie in 1985.

1009
01:07:57,991 --> 01:08:00,033
The guy has been a fashion designer ever since.

1010
01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:07,249
First obstacle.

1011
01:08:11,171 --> 01:08:12,921
Have you used any of these before?

1012
01:08:13,006 --> 01:08:14,465
I don't believe.

1013
01:08:16,301 --> 01:08:19,094
Watch out. Watch...Fix the hem, Jason.

1014
01:08:19,179 --> 01:08:21,346
Please. I need... Katinka!

1015
01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:23,932
He's not here yet, Jacobim.

1016
01:08:24,017 --> 01:08:27,144
– That little toad face had better show itself. – He will show himself.

1017
01:08:27,228 --> 01:08:30,189
Good, because I'm a hot potato at the moment.

1018
01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:34,485
There has to be an “on” button somewhere.

1019
01:08:34,861 --> 01:08:36,653
Did you press the apple thing?

1020
01:09:24,077 --> 01:09:25,619
Wait! Hansel!

1021
01:09:26,329 --> 01:09:27,663
Let's not lose calm.

1022
01:09:27,747 --> 01:09:29,206
Then we are no better than the machine.

1023
01:09:31,584 --> 01:09:33,710
It's almost seven. I have to go.

1024
01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,213
No! Derek. Der, wait.

1025
01:09:36,297 --> 01:09:38,674
If you leave you will be forced to kill this Eurasian guy.

1026
01:09:38,758 --> 01:09:41,885
I don't care, Hansel. I've never been late to a show in my life.

1027
01:09:42,262 --> 01:09:43,804
I don't plan on starting now.

1028
01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:45,889
Damn, you're right.

1029
01:09:46,766 --> 01:09:48,600
Do me a favor.

1030
01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:51,144
If something happens to me, I want you to give it to Matilda.

1031
01:09:51,437 --> 01:09:54,731
-No. -Please, Hansel. Take it. Please.

1032
01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:56,775
-Man. -Take it.

1033
01:09:59,112 --> 01:10:03,198
Let's just say I'll keep it until you get back.

1034
01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:05,617
Go! Go!

1035
01:10:06,452 --> 01:10:08,537
We're live at the Derelicte show,

1036
01:10:08,621 --> 01:10:11,081
where the controversial designer Jacobim Mugatu,

1037
01:10:11,165 --> 01:10:12,624
has extended the peace offering

1038
01:10:12,709 --> 01:10:14,835
to Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan,

1039
01:10:14,919 --> 01:10:17,129
and makes him the guest of honor on today's show.

1040
01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:20,924
And the star of this show is veteran supermodel Derek Zootander.

1041
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:27,556
Guys, what's going on? Did you find the files?

1042
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:28,974
Matilda, we have problems.

1043
01:10:29,225 --> 01:10:30,893
Derek has already left for the show.

1044
01:10:30,977 --> 01:10:33,604
No. No, he can't do that. We don't even know what the trigger is.

1045
01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:36,273
He just ran out of here. I couldn't stop him.

1046
01:10:36,733 --> 01:10:39,192
– I call him on his phone. – He doesn't have it.

1047
01:10:39,277 --> 01:10:41,236
-What? -Yes, he doesn't have it.

1048
01:10:41,321 --> 01:10:43,447
What are you talking about? He always has it.

1049
01:10:43,531 --> 01:10:46,783
– No, he gave it to me. – Did you find the files?

1050
01:10:46,868 --> 01:10:49,077
I don't even know what they... What do they look like?

1051
01:10:49,162 --> 01:10:50,662
You are in the computer.

1052
01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:52,956
Are you on the computer?

1053
01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:56,126
Yes, they are definitely in there. I just don't know how he labeled them.

1054
01:10:56,210 --> 01:10:58,587
–I got it. –You have to find out.

1055
01:10:58,713 --> 01:11:00,213
We're running out of time, Hansel,

1056
01:11:00,298 --> 01:11:02,466
you have to find her and meet me at the show.

1057
01:11:02,550 --> 01:11:03,926
Understood.

1058
01:11:05,053 --> 01:11:06,887
In the computer.

1059
01:11:07,722 --> 01:11:09,431
It's that simple.

1060
01:11:10,266 --> 01:11:13,435
Hey, I just cut up some melon halves,

1061
01:11:13,519 --> 01:11:15,270
with some cottage cheese if you're hungry.

1062
01:11:15,355 --> 01:11:17,940
Not the right time. I need to figure out this trigger

1063
01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:20,484
before Derek kills the Malaysian Prime Minister.

1064
01:11:20,568 --> 01:11:23,320
You just seem a little tense. I wanted to help you relax.

1065
01:11:23,404 --> 01:11:26,657
Relax? The last thing I need to do now is...

1066
01:11:29,369 --> 01:11:31,161
-That's it. -Let's go, guys!

1067
01:11:31,245 --> 01:11:34,706
Let's go! Tramps and whores, you're welcome in the makeup department!

1068
01:11:34,791 --> 01:11:36,708
Runaways and street crooks, you are next!

1069
01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,795
– You had us worried, Derek. – Everything is cool.

1070
01:11:39,879 --> 01:11:42,839
-I'm really looking forward to the show. -Good.

1071
01:11:43,299 --> 01:11:46,593
Just remember: relax.

1072
01:11:47,387 --> 01:11:48,679
Two minutes, Derek.

1073
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:52,099
There he is.

1074
01:11:52,809 --> 01:11:55,560
I just want to wish you good luck.

1075
01:11:56,729 --> 01:11:58,563
Don't you mean "goodbye"?

1076
01:11:59,065 --> 01:12:00,399
What are you talking about?

1077
01:12:04,612 --> 01:12:06,571
I know it was you, Maury.

1078
01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:08,240
I know it was you.

1079
01:12:08,658 --> 01:12:10,075
and it breaks my heart.

1080
01:12:10,868 --> 01:12:12,703
Derek, I don't know what you're talking about.

1081
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:18,083
Derek, I'm...

1082
01:12:20,712 --> 01:12:21,962
I'm sorry.

1083
01:12:29,345 --> 01:12:31,054
Glad you're here, Kmart.

1084
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,433
Luckily there is no dress code.

1085
01:12:36,310 --> 01:12:38,770
I am disgusting

1086
01:12:38,855 --> 01:12:40,689
of the miserable masses.

1087
01:12:41,024 --> 01:12:45,193
I'm really, really dirty.

1088
01:12:45,445 --> 01:12:48,238
I am a forsaken!

1089
01:13:03,046 --> 01:13:05,088
You make me sick, Jaco.

1090
01:13:06,799 --> 01:13:08,675
It will all be over soon.

1091
01:13:08,760 --> 01:13:11,803
Derek Zoolander will be dead and you will be fine.

1092
01:13:12,638 --> 01:13:14,056
You always are.

1093
01:13:14,140 --> 01:13:15,265
Come on, Derek. It's your turn.

1094
01:13:17,977 --> 01:13:19,519
Good luck, Derek.

1095
01:13:51,677 --> 01:13:52,677
Derek...

1096
01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:54,888
It's relaxation!

1097
01:13:54,972 --> 01:13:55,972
I hate you.

1098
01:13:56,057 --> 01:13:58,558
I'm doing well. I've done this a thousand times.

1099
01:13:59,894 --> 01:14:01,228
The trigger! It is...

1100
01:14:13,032 --> 01:14:15,617
Concentrate, derelict.

1101
01:14:16,869 --> 01:14:20,288
Don't be distracted by the beautiful celebrities.

1102
01:14:20,373 --> 01:14:22,040
Celebrities.

1103
01:14:28,464 --> 01:14:33,051
Do what you've learned and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister!

1104
01:14:47,191 --> 01:14:48,650
Just do it already!

1105
01:14:58,578 --> 01:14:59,744
D-Bone, I have your back!

1106
01:15:00,955 --> 01:15:01,997
What?

1107
01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:06,126
It's that damn Hansel!

1108
01:15:06,419 --> 01:15:07,794
He's so hot right now!

1109
01:15:09,589 --> 01:15:10,922
Slam and lock, you idiot!

1110
01:15:13,926 --> 01:15:15,510
They do breakdance battles.

1111
01:16:20,826 --> 01:16:23,411
Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

1112
01:16:26,165 --> 01:16:28,750
This is nonsense! Everyone listen.

1113
01:16:28,834 --> 01:16:30,335
Mugatu is a wanker!

1114
01:16:30,920 --> 01:16:34,005
He tried to brainwash Derek into killing the claymation guy.

1115
01:16:36,175 --> 01:16:39,803
That's a lie! Zoolander is freaking out because he's out of the woods!

1116
01:16:39,887 --> 01:16:41,972
He knew his career was over and he couldn't come to terms with it.

1117
01:16:42,056 --> 01:16:43,515
No way, buddy.

1118
01:16:43,975 --> 01:16:47,560
We have 30 years of files here on this computer!

1119
01:16:47,645 --> 01:16:49,396
They'll finish you off!

1120
01:16:49,897 --> 01:16:51,189
Oh no.

1121
01:16:51,524 --> 01:16:52,524
Get down!

1122
01:16:56,821 --> 01:16:58,154
Where are all the files?

1123
01:17:00,324 --> 01:17:01,533
I'll take you out!

1124
01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:04,869
Yo, taste my pain, bitch!

1125
01:17:09,417 --> 01:17:10,625
Yes!

1126
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:12,377
Deal with it!

1127
01:17:16,048 --> 01:17:18,925
You don't have the guts, Kmart!

1128
01:17:19,343 --> 01:17:21,344
Bet? And by the way,

1129
01:17:21,429 --> 01:17:23,305
you were wrong about my outfit.

1130
01:17:23,389 --> 01:17:26,850
It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I bought it at JC Penney.

1131
01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:28,977
On sale.

1132
01:17:33,941 --> 01:17:37,193
This is a joke, Mugatu. Everything they say is true.

1133
01:17:37,278 --> 01:17:39,571
I've been here for 30 years.

1134
01:17:39,697 --> 01:17:41,448
What are you doing, Ballstein?

1135
01:17:41,907 --> 01:17:45,493
I'm done, Jaco. I have a prostate the size of a cantaloupe,

1136
01:17:45,578 --> 01:17:47,329
and a head full of bad memories.

1137
01:17:47,413 --> 01:17:49,331
It's time to set things straight.

1138
01:17:49,415 --> 01:17:53,626
You have no evidence. Stupid Han destroyed everything.

1139
01:17:53,711 --> 01:17:57,339
I have two words for you: honey, zip disk.

1140
01:17:57,590 --> 01:18:00,508
The whole thing is in my study on Long Island.

1141
01:18:00,593 --> 01:18:02,886
I can have the proof here in 20 minutes.

1142
01:18:02,970 --> 01:18:04,888
–It's a boy, Maury. –Wait a second.

1143
01:18:04,972 --> 01:18:06,431
I'm afraid of radiation.

1144
01:18:09,810 --> 01:18:12,354
Sheila, darling, it's me. Listen.

1145
01:18:12,438 --> 01:18:15,940
You must bring the zip CD from the study with you to the fashion show.

1146
01:18:17,860 --> 01:18:19,944
I don't care about the traffic.

1147
01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:23,865
Take the damn service road and exit before the bridge.

1148
01:18:25,534 --> 01:18:27,744
So put it in one of those Tupperware containers

1149
01:18:27,828 --> 01:18:29,829
and I'll warm it up in the microwave when I get home.

1150
01:18:30,873 --> 01:18:34,626
For heaven's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It stays that way!

1151
01:18:36,128 --> 01:18:37,212
Keep your mouth shut!

1152
01:18:37,296 --> 01:18:39,255
That's enough, Ballstein!

1153
01:18:39,340 --> 01:18:42,258
Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway?

1154
01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:45,470
The man only has one look, for heaven's sake!

1155
01:18:45,596 --> 01:18:48,431
Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre?

1156
01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:50,266
It's the same face!

1157
01:18:51,769 --> 01:18:55,855
Does no one notice that? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

1158
01:18:57,525 --> 01:19:00,610
I invented the piano key tie!

1159
01:19:00,694 --> 01:19:02,529
I invented it!

1160
01:19:02,613 --> 01:19:05,365
What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

1161
01:19:05,491 --> 01:19:08,701
You didn't do anything! Nothing!

1162
01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:12,872
And I'll be a monkey uncle if I let you ruin this for me!

1163
01:19:12,957 --> 01:19:16,167
Because if you can't do the work, I will!

1164
01:19:16,794 --> 01:19:18,878
Die, you wage-pumping scum!

1165
01:19:23,300 --> 01:19:24,551
A look?

1166
01:19:25,636 --> 01:19:29,139
A look? I do not believe that!

1167
01:19:41,694 --> 01:19:43,153
There it is!

1168
01:19:43,237 --> 01:19:44,362
Magnum!

1169
01:19:45,448 --> 01:19:47,198
Holy crap.

1170
01:19:47,324 --> 01:19:50,535
Yes, baby! I've been waiting for this!

1171
01:19:50,911 --> 01:19:54,164
Dear God, it's beautiful.

1172
01:20:08,137 --> 01:20:10,388
Yes!

1173
01:20:16,812 --> 01:20:20,148
This is my child. This is my son.

1174
01:20:23,152 --> 01:20:24,194
Yes!

1175
01:20:26,739 --> 01:20:27,739
Derek!

1176
01:20:28,115 --> 01:20:32,285
I love this boy. He's stupid as hell, but I love him.

1177
01:20:32,369 --> 01:20:34,329
Derek, you did it! That was incredible!

1178
01:20:34,413 --> 01:20:36,581
I know. I turned left!

1179
01:20:37,666 --> 01:20:38,791
Yes, that too. But Derek,

1180
01:20:38,876 --> 01:20:40,919
You saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia!

1181
01:20:41,253 --> 01:20:43,505
Correct. Cool.

1182
01:20:44,256 --> 01:20:47,258
Thank you, Derek Zoolander, for saving my life.

1183
01:21:14,453 --> 01:21:18,164
Hello, I'm former male supermodel Derek Zoolander.

1184
01:21:18,249 --> 01:21:19,832
And here at the Derek Zoolander Center

1185
01:21:19,917 --> 01:21:21,334
for children who cannot read well,

1186
01:21:21,418 --> 01:21:23,545
and who also want to do other things well,

1187
01:21:23,629 --> 01:21:25,838
We teach students of all ages,

1188
01:21:25,923 --> 01:21:29,008
everything you need to know to become a professional model

1189
01:21:29,093 --> 01:21:31,386
and a professional person.

1190
01:21:31,470 --> 01:21:34,514
Our diverse teaching staff includes lecturers in business administration,

1191
01:21:34,598 --> 01:21:37,225
and former modeling agent Maury Ballstein.

1192
01:21:37,309 --> 01:21:39,310
The designer has your nuts in a vice,

1193
01:21:39,395 --> 01:21:41,729
I offer you ten million plus three percent,

1194
01:21:41,814 --> 01:21:44,065
from every pair of underwear sold.

1195
01:21:44,149 --> 01:21:45,900
What are you going to do?

1196
01:21:45,985 --> 01:21:49,112
Fuck him! Get ready for more!

1197
01:21:49,196 --> 01:21:51,573
That's what I'm talking about!

1198
01:21:51,657 --> 01:21:54,409
Join us now at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids

1199
01:21:54,493 --> 01:21:57,412
If you can't read well and want to learn other things well,

1200
01:21:57,496 --> 01:21:58,913
We teach you that there is more to life,

1201
01:21:59,039 --> 01:22:01,708
than just looking really, really, really good.

1202
01:22:01,792 --> 01:22:03,626
-Is it true, children? -True!

1203
01:22:03,711 --> 01:22:04,961
And cut!

1204
01:22:06,505 --> 01:22:09,173
-Looks great. I think we did it. -All right, Mitch. Thanks.

1205
01:22:09,258 --> 01:22:11,801
-All right, guys! That's it! -Hey, Hansel.

1206
01:22:11,885 --> 01:22:15,471
Hey, D-Rock, I'm gonna take these kids to the George Washington Bridge,

1207
01:22:15,556 --> 01:22:17,515
give them a little lesson in base jumping.

1208
01:22:17,600 --> 01:22:19,142
Will we see you later in the staff room?

1209
01:22:19,226 --> 01:22:20,268
In order.

1210
01:22:20,352 --> 01:22:23,021
So, guys. The last person in the helicopter is a rotten egg. Let's go!

1211
01:22:25,024 --> 01:22:26,149
Hello, Matilda!

1212
01:22:26,233 --> 01:22:29,277
-There's dad! Hello. -Hey.

1213
01:22:29,695 --> 01:22:31,195
-How is Derek Jr.? -He's doing great.

1214
01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,531
Guess what. He made his first appearance today.

1215
01:22:33,699 --> 01:22:34,741
Really?

1216
01:22:34,825 --> 01:22:36,659
Do you want to show dad your look, Derek Jr.?

1217
01:22:42,374 --> 01:22:43,374
Wow.

1218
01:22:44,126 --> 01:22:47,503
-Want to hang out for story time? -Great. Yes. Let's go.

1219
01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:50,715
-Hey, who wants to hear a story? -Yes!